“Did you ever look… Did you ever see that one person? And the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much… So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze. It’s that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions, and to scream confessions at the insipid sky-parting clouds. You let this one person come down in the most perfect moment. And it breaks my heart to know that the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I’ll never have. Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in. But this table for one has become bearable. I now take comfort in this. And for this, I cherish you. I cherish you. Just say you would do the same for me.” -From Autumn to Ashes.

Listen to them because they are the epitomy of the feeling of beauty when hideousness overwhelms. At least in my (t)ears.

I HOPE THIS FORCED SMILE GIVES YOU PEACE OF MIND.

Sigh. I’m dyin’ here with this cold. But I think the meds are kicking in, so I’ll sleep soon. Steamer’s Jazz Club and Cafe tonight. And with none other than my favorite bug, Vanessa. We were both kind of passive and sad today, but the live jazz, and the whole atmosphere pretty much lifted our spirits. It was Latin jazz, which was a surprise(I was hoping for blues or bebop), but it was awesome nonetheless. The band consisted of a lead guitarist, bassist, drummer, bongo(er?), saxophonist/flute(ist?), trumpet player, and a jazz pianist. The piano guy was AMAZING. I found myself anticipating the piano solos, then savoring every note. Anyways, I was glad to get out of the house, experience some unprecedented live jazz by some VERY talented instrumentalists(In the front row, mind you), and spend some quality time with miss bugface. Love it love it love it. Love it.

Experience everything. Or at least anything. Live.

I hate how everybody loves Fall Out Boy now. They’re good, but there are other bands with much more depth and emotion. I hate the fact that Brand New, is overly underrated. I hate the fact that Jesse Lacey is so lyrically ingenious, yet no one can comprehend his talent. I hate the fact that Brand New deserves so much more. The only thing I’m actually glad about is that those who ARE fans of Brand New are REAL fans and not some bandwagon fakes.

I dare any of you Fall Out Boy “fans” to name any other songs besides “Sugar, We’re Going Down” or “Grand Theft Autumn/Where Is Your Boy”. Keep listening to your mainstream hiphop and boy bands, please. Maybe someday you’ll know what’s good for you. Or at least get to know and love who you’re with, and not just go with the flow. Or with who’s cute.

Appreciate Brand New (and me). And yes… this entry is a metaphor.

Another random day at another random Starbucks. Off the top of my head: Do you ever look into a certain mirror and think to yourself, “Dude. I look hot.”? I left my home this morning feeling crappy because I felt like I looked crappy. I guess my mirror isn’t very flattering. Or my body isn’t very flattering. Whatever. Anyway, I get to school, and there’s this door, that’s basically a huge window. But it’s a door. I know… It’s confusing. Anyway, everytime I see my reflection in that window/door, I look pretty darn good. I’m not conceited or anything… It’s just that that door slash window makes people look good! I hate being deceived, but hey… I always feel good when I stand in front of it. So I don’t hate it.

I can imagine living in that doorworld/parallel dimension, where every citizen would be a good-looking reflection. That would be great. But then I’d be looking out my doorworld into the same parallel dimension door at this weird-looking guy that resembles myself. The downside is that I wouldn’t know that I was IN a parallel dimension, so I would believe that that was my actual reflection! I would probably just think, “Man, this mirror makes me look weird.” So actually… Either way… I’m a weird-looking guy. Grr. I hate my imagination. This is getting creepy, so I’ll stop.

“I’ve been spending way too long checkin’ my tongue in the mirror, and bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer, but my breath fogged up the glass, and so I drew a new face and laughed. I guess what I’ma sayin’ is there ain’t no better reason to rid yourself of vanity, and just go with the seasons.” -Jason Mraz.

The guy next to me looks like a weird Paul Tano. What dimesion is this?!

I had a beautiful, wonderful, marvelous time with the spectacular Miss Vanessa Guran today. After the HOW seminar at church, I picked her up and we ate some sushi. She actually had raw fish for the first time and liked it! Haha. Good for her. After our meal, we made a quick stop at the grocery store for some popcorn and ice cream to prepare for our american classic moviefest. The first film we saw was “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” OMG. Audrey Hepburn was so incredibly stunning. Sigh. The movie itself was enjoyable. Then we watched “Casablanca.” It started off pretty slow, but it caught up. The story, the cast, the acting, the EVERYTHING… was awesome. It’s a new favorite. “Ocean’s 11” was the last one we saw. Eh. I love Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack, but… Eh. I was already driving her home, but then she decided she didn’t want to go home, so we sidetracked to the Block to visit Eunice.

While at the block, we started talking about “things”. Haha. I mostly listened, but I was glad to do it. I just love the fact that we can confide in each other as much as we do. So we drove back to her house around 9pm, and just talked on the couch until midnight. Haha. Looking back, it felt much like Xtreme camp, because we did that there too. Anyway, we had a very encouraging conversation about… Everything. Then we closed our day of fellowship with a prayer. Good stuff. As Vanessa said at the end of that night, while putting a new twist on Humphrey Bogart’s classic quote, “This is a continuation of a beautiful friendship…” I couldn’t agree more.

Watch classic movies. Love ’em. Change your perspective.

I’m not mad. The thing is, it is all understandable. Painfully understandable. But it… HURTS. I know that you never intended it to, but these are my feelings, not yours. I guess it was inevitable. I guess I knew it all along. And just so you know… You’re right. God only wants the best. For us all. And as far as “best” goes, I guess I just ain’t it. It’s okay though. God is good, and I’m excited for what He has planned in the future, and who His best is for me, while I myself develop into someone’s else’s best. As for right now though, like right this second… I’m an effing wreck.

No charity, donations, or shows could fix or relieve this disaster. Lgfuad.

Rufio at Chain Reaction.

September 2, 2005

The show was awesome. Vanessa, Bones McFly, and I were so close to them that their freakin’ sweat was falling on us like raindrops! I know that’s disgusting, but that’s how close we were! Good stuff. Very energetic and fun set. By the way, listen to The Spill Canvas and Your Name In Lights. They’ve won my approval.

Stay graceful and lovely. Don’t let your grace fall or let your love leave.