drama fo’ yo’ muh f’n mama. please be as emo as you like because I did all the right things and now I know not to treat you like a queen, especially when I’m neither interested in nor in any attempt to be your king. I’ve always been there for you and yet I constantly fall victim to your ever inconsistent mood swings. after all this time, I’ve still never benn able to figure you out. I never will. this is no way I want to spend my summer (or my life). I sure as hell have nothing to apologize for, so if theres going to be any kind of reconciliation, you’ll have to take the first humble step. awkward glances and playing “ghosts in the hallway” just doesn’t cut it, sister. you and I have endured and invested too much for almost seven years into this friendship, to just ball it up and throw it out the window. lets not blow it.

“I know you can list your friends but you can’t count on them.”

sosleepycantsleep. might as well random rant. new dashboard album comes out. best buy at 9am w/ heather because we’re dc dweebs. she doesn’t fancy you, btw. I’ve heard her reasoning for why and I can’t argue her points. I’m a sucker and we(ve) know(n) it. shes a hero and therapist and safety net for me everytime. thanks for st icking/aying up for me. you’re one of the only girls that can put a smile on my face without smacking it right off moments later. at least so far.

sometimes I love the feeling of knowing secrets about people that don’t think you know. I’m (not) sorry that I’m going to keep doing what you hate that I do. but I’ve got a feeling that it won’t be for long. and words like “we’ll hang out soon” are easier said than meant. dishonest tones of voice and stone faces. all these lips are good for are words telling you a nonchalant “I like your hair”, while all my mind is good for is thoughts like “take me I’m yours.” and btw — comments aren’t disabled. but this boy already is.

both pirates and warped tour — july 7th. how awesome is that. maybe ill marry a supermodel and win a lifetime supply of coca cola that day too.

written in a dark room by some kid drinking warm uncarbonated sprite. its like 4am and this wasn’t intended to make much sense. get it or don’t.

nonsensical blogs are the new whatever.

I just read Matthew 5 for my devotion. and I know that I’m not the godliest man, but I pray that through my life, people around me who don’t know Jesus would see the difference between myself and this world. God’s been so good to me, especially in this past year. for once, I’ve been able to keep myself disciplined and consistent in my relationship with Him with His help even amidst trials and the most confusing of times. thank you Lord for Your faithfulness and grace and patience with me. I’ve made countless mistakes and have st(r)ayed away from You, yet You’ve still chosen to call me son. I know of no way to repay the favor but please believe that i’ll try my best. Kn/ow(n) this ever complicated heart of mine.

Frankie sang it best.

June 24, 2006

1. because she’s beautiful and maybe I’m incredibly shallow.

2. because I’m afraid of change. like maybe this is all so routine that I don’t want anything any other way because I know that my heart will be/beat different if it does change. and whether that will be a good thing or a bad thing is the question that kills me.

3. because maybe I think(hope) persistence will win over in the end.

4. because no one I’ve ever met compares to her or every aspect I admire about her. yet.

possible reasons why this journal is still being written in.

listen to: “I’ve got you under my skin.”

nervous car rides and awkward “jokes.” extremely tired eyes. not tired enough though to not stop from looking at you. I’m sure you must’ve felt it. and maybe I should apologize for believing that you are the most angelic thing walking the earth. and that the thought of spending consecutive lifetimes with you makes me indescribably happy. sometimes I think I don’t have a fighting chance of ever getting over you. who woulda thunk this’d be so hard? this entry contradicts the last. as usual.

lovely day at the beach with the kids. aside from when I was getting lost, getting stuck in traffic, and the fact that I rear-ended some lady’s lexus. yikes. its funny how I still can’t complain. it couldve been worse. thank You Lord for keeping me safe. lots of laughs, compliments of mark f’n diaz.

real update later. or not.

gah. I suck at choir. I’d quit if it wasn’t so much fun. & hey. its for God. i hope pastor nate doesn’t mind.

obey sale the other day was yummy. I’m eight t-shirts and two jackets richer.

I wrote about you again but deleted it because I came to my senses. I know its seemed (understatement, I know) like it these past few years, but my journal (or my life for that matter) doesn’t revolve around you. & you know its getting pretty pathetic when every journal entry’s about some girl you only hang out with once every six months. if even. all we’re made up of is half-truths and witty sarcasm mixed with (in)considerate smiles and coerced hugs.

j-anne quilala is my best friend.

watching (my) worlds explode and falling in “love” more than once a day. the girls of summer. killer bodies kindly kill with sympathetic smiles still pressed against my pathetic ones. all in all I don’t mind. kiss & don’t tell… unless/until you ask. jealousy is all I want in return. looks of disgust is all i’ll get. but nothing matters because in the long run we’ll never be and the short run doesn’t have much of a chance either. girls who haven’t had enough time to think it all through. sometimes it seems that this’ll be the closest to love i’ll ever get. but I’ve got high hopes that it isn’t .