sometimes you spend every waking moment and most sleeping ones thinking and wishing and dreaming about one heart, one person. and the years pass. they let it slip, or you do. God knows where it all begins or ends. but as it falls to pieces, you keep grabbing and collecting them not like for a museum of artifacts that once mattered, but like you’re going to put those broken pieces back together. except there are always a couple pieces missing each time.

breathe deep. slow your (un)beating heart. these winding roads in your mind confuse. remember a time before you always felt like this. try to remember, drix. you want it to be simple. you make it complicated. sometimes i wish i could re-engineer the single path from my heart to the tip of my tongue and let my head have a chance to(o). i haven’t any huge dreams or wishes, i just want to be at least “okay.” but then it all comes down to my word versus your word versus the world’s word and i dont think i want to anymore. im tired and worn. my head’s full, and my eyes empty.

when I wake up at the crack of noon, the world’s blurry. it barely comes in and usually stays out of focus. this is when its at its worst. awake from dreams of you to realize that none of it was real, possibly ever. spend late nights eating ungodly amounts of ben & jerry’s chocolate brownie ice cream and watching fresh prince or saved by the bell reruns with that frankie j record playing in the background.

i’ll let this eat at me for five more seconds and I’ll willingly stop the moping and find my feet. this feeling won’t last forever and I won’t let it. start smiles in five. four. three. two. one.

long”live”ourcarcrashhearts.

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it’s kind of funny how people can windowshop on your life or critique your writing on style and grammar and grace. i hope they at least enjoy the read. I don’t know how my mind works or if it even does. nights like these are spent writing and writing and waiting.

they ask God for an end to poverty and hopes for cures to incurable diseases like cancer. i bother God with selfish pleasures and hope for relief/a cure for a hurricane/heartache named (you know who). there’s not a need for details or specific names, but when was the last time there was a need to? hurt is what i try so not to seem, but it’s the only word that comes to mind. you haven’t any idea how i felt on that car ride back because i covered any agony with forced smiles and nods and “i understand’s”. what it really and literally felt like: a one thousand pound man sitting on my chest, suffocating me while decking me in the face with brass knuckles on. but i know that with God’s grace, the thousand pound man will slowly lose weight as the the days go by, and the pain will eventually diminish. but i’ll continue to keep crossing my heart or t’s because fingers give me away everytime.

i SO want to be who God wants for you, the person you’ve longingly prayed for. but maybe we just weren’t meant for each other and i’ve got to acknowledge that. I’ve also got to acknowledge the fact that I need to trust God and His plan so much more as well as sincerely live as the kind of man that a girl like you prays for. I want to exceed expectations. I want to be more than what people percieve me as. I want to be a child of whom God is well pleased. these are just some goals worth striving for, and I know someday things will fall into place. whether or not you will be a part of that is yet to be seen, but I truly hope you are. if not, I know its for the best. just because our relationship might be moving unpredictably as of now, please please please don’t write us off. please.

so there you go. i’m glad that we had the chance to talk this over face to face. these feelings for you probably won’t leave me for some time, but this was all a learning experience and I don’t regret anything that’s ever happened between you and I because I’ve enjoyed every moment so far. and I know we’ll make many more memories to come. if you ever need help, advice, comfort, encouragement, someone to chill with or confide in, a dashboard singalong, or just another reading suggestion, please don’t hesitate to call because your company is always welcome. but just so you know, you’re a hard girl to get over, hoochie. This’d all be so much easier if you weren’t the prettiest thing living. and if you didn’t have the personality and intellect and everything I’ve ever wanted in a person.

“and I’m still here, waiting there to catch you if you fall.”

Little blue hairclips.

July 22, 2006

yellow finger and toenails match the yellow on my belly when I actually build up the nerve to make eye contact. you really can’t comprehend how my heart beats under, through, and out of this chest when I receive so much as a wave or nod of acknowledgement from you, or even worse(for my heart, not my eyes or any other aspect of my being), a simple smile. but I’d have it no other way because this billion butterfly-filled stomach and thoughts of “I can’t believe you said that” and “you’re such an idiot” to myself the second I end a sentence during a conversation with you tell me you’re so much more than just “some girl I know.” and I’d give almost anything to be more than just “some boy you know.”

EDIT: btw, this pasadena trip may be a lifechanger.
but please please please, not for the worse.
EDIT: Frick.
EDIT: Haha. Okay, we’re on again.

always chased, never caught. I wouldn’t know that feeling. I want to show you all my jealousy and insecurity and instability and have you (not) care. because I’m addicted to the way I feel when I’m with you. and your eyes are always rolling, but when mine do, i tilt my head so that somehow they were still stuck on you.

I wish you could detect the sincerity in every word I write and that it would make some kind of a difference in how you’d perceive me. but wishes never seem to come true, EVEN when I send those stupid chain letters within the 60 second time limit.

do I stand a chance? (not rhetorical).

brand new has always been my favorite band, but last night truly confirmed that notion. seeing them in as intimate a setting as the glasshouse was beautiful and mind-blowing. beautifully mind-blowing. sheer brilliance wrapped in a time span of one and a half hours. I wish it didn’t have to end because I haven’t felt this way in years.

if being in love is anywhere close to this feeling…

… the response, courtesy of heather after getting my nuts smashed while changing a trash can. I didn’t know whether to be turned on by the inane statement or to gag. haha.

things that’ve made me happy lately are as follows:

backslaps. not stabs. lowrise jeans. ripped. text messages. damien rice. the hills. jeremie q. the phrase “vagina bone.” thousand island dressing. beach bbq’s. nerf guns at work. quiet time and meditation. family fun days. lauren and how she listens to Brand New’s “Deja Entendu” everyday. independence day and fireworks and the fact that you wore your glasses and had a ponytail tonight. the new dc record. filipino movies with people who don’t speak tagalog and people who speak too MUCH tagalog. patrick stump’s rendition of “so sick.” no work, all play. living it up with everyone I can live it up with because it’ll never be this way again.

God, this summer is the best.