"Finally got the nerve to tell you how much you mean to me."

July 26, 2006

it’s kind of funny how people can windowshop on your life or critique your writing on style and grammar and grace. i hope they at least enjoy the read. I don’t know how my mind works or if it even does. nights like these are spent writing and writing and waiting.

they ask God for an end to poverty and hopes for cures to incurable diseases like cancer. i bother God with selfish pleasures and hope for relief/a cure for a hurricane/heartache named (you know who). there’s not a need for details or specific names, but when was the last time there was a need to? hurt is what i try so not to seem, but it’s the only word that comes to mind. you haven’t any idea how i felt on that car ride back because i covered any agony with forced smiles and nods and “i understand’s”. what it really and literally felt like: a one thousand pound man sitting on my chest, suffocating me while decking me in the face with brass knuckles on. but i know that with God’s grace, the thousand pound man will slowly lose weight as the the days go by, and the pain will eventually diminish. but i’ll continue to keep crossing my heart or t’s because fingers give me away everytime.

i SO want to be who God wants for you, the person you’ve longingly prayed for. but maybe we just weren’t meant for each other and i’ve got to acknowledge that. I’ve also got to acknowledge the fact that I need to trust God and His plan so much more as well as sincerely live as the kind of man that a girl like you prays for. I want to exceed expectations. I want to be more than what people percieve me as. I want to be a child of whom God is well pleased. these are just some goals worth striving for, and I know someday things will fall into place. whether or not you will be a part of that is yet to be seen, but I truly hope you are. if not, I know its for the best. just because our relationship might be moving unpredictably as of now, please please please don’t write us off. please.

so there you go. i’m glad that we had the chance to talk this over face to face. these feelings for you probably won’t leave me for some time, but this was all a learning experience and I don’t regret anything that’s ever happened between you and I because I’ve enjoyed every moment so far. and I know we’ll make many more memories to come. if you ever need help, advice, comfort, encouragement, someone to chill with or confide in, a dashboard singalong, or just another reading suggestion, please don’t hesitate to call because your company is always welcome. but just so you know, you’re a hard girl to get over, hoochie. This’d all be so much easier if you weren’t the prettiest thing living. and if you didn’t have the personality and intellect and everything I’ve ever wanted in a person.

“and I’m still here, waiting there to catch you if you fall.”

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