Koinonia/Starting anew.

September 17, 2007

Long drives in solitude, beautiful scenery, contemplation, meditation, and a Chris Tomlin, Charlie Hall, MercyMe, and Jimmy Needham mixtape. Epiphanies of how this life should be lived and who it should be lived for. The need for unity and fellowship. And sometimes you realize these things when it’s entirely too late.

Koinonia. But I make trainwrecks out of relationships. Hoping with all my heart that they aren’t irreparable. Regretful of every time I let my emotions get the best of me, and that’s precisely why I’m giving this all up. (As well as so many other things.) Never wanted to ever be cliche. Especially the Christian kind, with their repetitive phrases and overused verses. But maybe it’s good to be. Cliches are cliches because they’re usually true. And the Christian ones are always incredibly encouraging. Always known to be the emotional one. The intellectual one. The creative one. The imaginative one. The cultured one. The secular music lover. Praying that someday, years from now, that every moniker would be dropped; replaced. With adjectives like bold, kind, encouraging, happy, Godly. This is me working with God to work on me, because I hate myself and what my ideals and personality have become. This is me apologizing to everyone I’ve wronged. This is me completely independent on any person, and completely dependent on Him and the inspired Word. This is me striving and growing to be the person I should’ve been all along.

Please disregard everything I am/ever was.

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It’s 2am and late nights and even later eyes tell me it’s time for random rants with hints of delirium.

MY JOURNAL ENTRIES: These insipid entries tell vague stories of depression and “heartbreak”, but in actuality, my life’s pretty much the opposite. What is with this obsession to record every horrible day? I haven’t got a clue, but let’s attempt to turn this around, shall we? Here we go.

KATRINA ALAIA:Instead, let’s focus on this single truth: I love the mix Hendrix made me for my birthday. I love Hendrix. He turns sucky days into good ones. Easily. I think I need to cut out otherpeopletime, and replace it with more Hendy time. I’m crossing my phalanges about swimming like fish and eating some raw ones tomorrow. With Hendy. That would be all.” -excerpt from xanga.com/darlingnovice.

I’m such an emo-kid and sometimes I’m taken aback by this sense of awe; Contemplating reasons why she genuinely seems to enjoy my company despite my every flaw. (Haha. So poetic, yet so unintended.) And it’s like you can’t make everyone like you, so make the one’s that do the one’s that count. So this is my letter of sincere appreciation; I love and admire Katrina Alaia Garcia Tuason in just about every aspect imaginable. More to say, but all my best mentions and intentions get backspaced. Like maybe it’d be better vocalized. Someday. :)

CURRENT LOVES: This eight-book set filled with short stories and poems that I bought at Borders for $3.99. Baseball at the park and poker games with the guys. The SK3. Watching the commentary to Wedding Crashers, Old School, and Zoolander. Our new neighbors, the Baloys. This incredible summer packed with adventure, encouraging missionary stories, and two finished Bible study books. & God and the truths He’s revealing everyday through His word and through fellowship.