aye chihuahua

September 19, 2008

blog by dia

September 15, 2008

It doesn’t pertain to me, but I thought it was clever and different and obscure. This is Dia’s recent blog entry:

Have you guys ever heard of a “song-blog?” Me either. But I guess I am inventing that today. I know this may be “Unprofessional” and what not, and that it is definitely not recorded in a professional studio, but I wrote it because I wanted to, and that I had to vent a little, I suppose you could put it that way. I recorded it on my computer, no microphones, nothing. On our slightly out of key baby grand piano in my “very reverb friendly” living room. Sang through it one time, despite my harmonies, so I apologize again for some out of key weird ones! I am not very good at piano, so I apologize. This song is not meant to be taken seriously, in some respects. Meaning, that if you write me and say the quality sounds like crap, I will say, “yeah…so?” If you write me and say it is crap, I will find out where you live. It is just a little journal entry…that I turned into a song. It won’t be up for long, but I thought, I would share with anyone who has time…because after all, maybe some of you feel the same way I do right now, and it will make me at least feel better, that I am not alone on this. Anyways, I hope you enjoy the tune, and I hope it makes you brighten up, if you feel like I do, and then In return, I promise I will too. Take care, Dia

Lyrics for the curious,…or journal entry or…whatever: How did I get here? And why the hell did it take this long? I’ve buried a best friend inside my trash can you left outdoors…. And you dropped me in the mailbox, my face paint still left on. And you accused I never loved you; I could say nothing to change your mind. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie. My smile has become empty/lazy. Heard you’ve been looking for me. Come on kid you know where I would go…. See lately, lately, lastly I would love for you to ask me, where the line between my pen and mind’s at war. I tell MOST the truth you know.

My voice is a hatchet. It’s forgotten how to whisper soft. My mind is a bucket, and it captures the rain sinking through the ceiling, landing on the rooftops. You told me you were filled up with love… I said, “You’ve lost it.” You’ve said a mess of errors, you know not what it costs yet. But I know, i know i know. They say I’ve lost it all. I watched them burn all the pictures of good pain on the beaches. And oh, if this is rock bottom….! Then I say, “God damn! The view from here is breath taking….”

P.s. Of course this is not going on the new record. I wrote it today….
p.p.s. sorry about the different vocal levels. I had to turn my head from the computer so it wouldn’t red line and sound REAL weird…and blury, but in return it sounds quiet and loud and quiet and loud. sorry! I ate way to much egg nog ice cream today and it rained so I could not go outside for a bit. But it smelled so good after.

why she is not allowed to sleep over anymore. haha.

My primary objective now is to get things back to normal with her(you). Not just pretend or act or profess like things are back to how they were, but to actually and literally do it. THOSE days were the best because there were no attempts to impress(which I probably didn’t), and just plain, dorky, unadulterated fun. Days riddled with random laughter, impersonations, venting, prayer, and encouragement. I was already buying you food, but that was just so that you could eat. Haha. And I didn’t(and still don’t) mind. But if there’s one thing I want you to understand about me and my feelings that have grown for you in the past month: Everything I’ve said, that I’ve done for you was done with the utmost sincerity and genuineness. Please please please try to understand what goes on inside this obscure head/heart of mine. There are real, true feelings involved. Not anything shallow or superficial. I’ve come to realize that you aren’t just another girl, but someone amazingly unique and incredible; someone I never tire having conversations with or smiling with. This is all new to me; the feelings. Every circumstance is so different regarding who I am maturing to be as well as the one-dimensional things I used to chase after. So I guess there’s a battle between two parts of me: there’s that part of me that just wants to go back in time to when we were comfortable, but there is this other part, an overwhelming part that just can’t give up pursuing you and praying for you and wondering why we can’t be comfortable either way. This is day one of the “getting over her” process.

And actually, now that I think about it, we’d make great friends. Hope you have an awesome and blessed day. :)

My insides, my guts, hurt. And there’s this weird feeling in my chest, but not like some O.A. “oh my heart” type of way; like butterflies in there instead of my stomach. I don’t even want to describe my eyes. There just isn’t a proper adjective. Somewhere along the lines of or synonymous with devastated. But nicer sounding(?) Funny how I’ve always tactfully chosen never to say words like heart, or love, I guess because I felt they were too strong of words. As well as incredibly cliche. Not that I’ve never felt like using such words, mind you. This is fragmented. Broken. Like each finger has a mind of it’s own. And each mind, chaotic.

Yet, what I’ve learned tonight at Bible study stays in my head as well as more importantly my heart, and I can’t help but feel comforted. I thought I’d be compelled to listen to some fairly heart-wrenching, bask-in-your-sadness whine-laden song, but there’s this unspeakable impulse; a kind of urge telling me: Play Chris Tomlin’s “Arriving” album. With its first track of course, being “Indescribable.” God is so powerful, so good, and yet, He loves ME enough personally that there is no pain, there is no worry, there is no anything that He can’t and won’t help me get through. There aren’t any words I could say or services I could offer to thank Him for His unfailing love and faithfulness.

But God, am I trying. I know in my heart You deserve an infinite amount of what I could even worthily give. And still, what is that.