#angiebear

June 22, 2012

She makes me feel so angry and so hopeful and so courageous and so stupid all at once. It’s ridiculous how all I want is to be with her. She’s a snake. She’s horrible. She’s all I want, but she really isn’t. I wish she’d go away. This isn’t love, not even “like”, it’s infatuation, obsession. I do though. I want to love her. Hold her in my arms. Comfort her. Make her jealous. Make her as angry as she makes me. Give her soft kisses on the neck. Hold her hand. Make her laugh. Feel, touch, taste, fuck. Make her feel special. I want to hate her. Use her. Make fun of/compliment her mole/beauty mark. Keep her safe. Look into her beautiful eyes. I want to know her. Make her happy. Truly happy. Make her mine. These are all things she’ll never let me do. And maybe she’s what I deserve. But she sure as hell doesn’t deserve me. Or maybe she does/we do.

I was reading a few blogs on Blogger and WordPress earlier, and it’s amazing how many people still write for themselves — not for comments or reblogs or “likes” — about their lives, their experiences, all in explicit detail. Long, intelligent, beautiful passages. Imagine that!

After being on Tumblr for so long, you forget that there are more substancial topics to write and read about. You forget that you yourself were capable of writing about such things. Our dashboards are filled with reblogged beautiful photos and art and quotes and excerpts from books but most times, they’re just things we like, not objects that will recall memories of certain situations and experiences in life. Emphasis on the word “most” before some of you crucify me, because who am I to say what you might be able to recall or not recall, because honestly, one song lyric could mean the world at times.

I also feel that many on Tumblr cater to their followers and friends, making sure they’re percieved a certain way. I’ve been guilty of the same “crime”, in a sense, picking and choosing my words, my photos, omitting certain insights or opinions to avoid judgement or gain more “likes” or reblogs. But it’s difficult; we actually DO have to censor ourselves because we know exactly who’s following and reading our posts, as well as how each might react. It’s such a far jump from how I used to blog, when it was all strangers reading each others heartaches, venting sessions, or joyful moments. I wore my heart on my sleeve then, without fear, although I don’t really know which is better, bottling certain things up, or letting it all out.

This isn’t a post to impose some kind of condescension upon Tumblr members, but to convey an appreciation for those who genuinely write from the heart, without a longing for affirmation from either friends or strangers. I’ve also hoped that might be an inspiration to those who have only known Tumblr, to explore, read, learn, write, and appreciate beyond what they know Tumblr to be, because there are some incredible text-based blogs, not just on Blogger or WordPress, but even on Tumblr as well. They’re just hard to find, and even when we do stumble across one, we aren’t inclined to click the “follow” button.

Image

And this is one of them.
Photo Credit: Matthew Romasanta for http://www.explodingbuffalo.com/

apologies and apologies

June 18, 2012

And apologies to those who know me and somehow find this blog. Tumblr, twitter, and facebook are no longer safehavens for what I truly want to say out loud (in a sense.) It may be an unhealthy outlet, but fuck, it helps for “the now.”

“Honestly, I’m rapping about everything I go through. Everything I’m sayin’, I’m super sayin’, like Goku.” -Childish Gambino.

Thrice farewell show at Club Nokia, LA.  Allen Stone at the Observatory, OC. Dashboard Confessional at House of Blues Anaheim. Childish Gambino at the Palladium, LA.

Dedicated to Angela Ha. Little game-playing cunt. Kind of mean but Ha, her last name. More heart and ache to share coming soon.

You said I wasn’t capable of loving you, I never was
A 20-something nigga tourin’ the world w/ hella buzz
I’m saying that my life’s swell, Cortazone
Fuck Macaulay Culkin, never goin’ home alone
iPhone photos, show ‘em just to mock you
Read your Twitter messages, too proud to block you

Spread shit around: “You know that his glasses fake”
That’s why I’m dating girls now who asses ain’t
“Damn, Donald, why you gotta be so mean”
I’m a nice guy, that’s why you broke up with me
You probably in the club dancing to this right now
Play it cool, text me when you walk out

It’s just childish

– Rolling in the Deep (Childish Gambino remix)

Well technically, one book, one magazine, and one comic. Haha.

Current reads:

  • On page 103 of Haruki Murakami’s 1Q84
  • the main article about Solar Storms in the June issue of National Geographic
  • & The Incredible Hulk #92 (Part 1 of the Planet Hulk Saga).

#nookreader #<3