#angiebear

June 22, 2012

She makes me feel so angry and so hopeful and so courageous and so stupid all at once. It’s ridiculous how all I want is to be with her. She’s a snake. She’s horrible. She’s all I want, but she really isn’t. I wish she’d go away. This isn’t love, not even “like”, it’s infatuation, obsession. I do though. I want to love her. Hold her in my arms. Comfort her. Make her jealous. Make her as angry as she makes me. Give her soft kisses on the neck. Hold her hand. Make her laugh. Feel, touch, taste, fuck. Make her feel special. I want to hate her. Use her. Make fun of/compliment her mole/beauty mark. Keep her safe. Look into her beautiful eyes. I want to know her. Make her happy. Truly happy. Make her mine. These are all things she’ll never let me do. And maybe she’s what I deserve. But she sure as hell doesn’t deserve me. Or maybe she does/we do.

Dedicated to Angela Ha. Little game-playing cunt. Kind of mean but Ha, her last name. More heart and ache to share coming soon.

You said I wasn’t capable of loving you, I never was
A 20-something nigga tourin’ the world w/ hella buzz
I’m saying that my life’s swell, Cortazone
Fuck Macaulay Culkin, never goin’ home alone
iPhone photos, show ‘em just to mock you
Read your Twitter messages, too proud to block you

Spread shit around: “You know that his glasses fake”
That’s why I’m dating girls now who asses ain’t
“Damn, Donald, why you gotta be so mean”
I’m a nice guy, that’s why you broke up with me
You probably in the club dancing to this right now
Play it cool, text me when you walk out

It’s just childish

– Rolling in the Deep (Childish Gambino remix)

We all want to be admired in some way or another. Sub-thoughts and points regarding the topic jumbled in my mind; selfishness, self-glorification, motives for doing certain things, self-worth, just a lot of self — even in selflessness. Art and intelligence and eloquence and blog entries and work and possessions and missions trips and ministries and hearts and halves. And have-nots. Sorry, this is impossible to follow, foggy in my head, even worse on paper/keyboards/computer monitors, but I (kind of and don’t) understand. Just a little more observant, a little too judgemental lately.

I honestly don’t remember a non-cynical me.

Endless talks with Katrina lately consisting of just about every type of relational situation and this is me coming to grips with the fact that I might not be cut out for ANY such situation, even the superficial and unmeaningful ones. And I’ve always had this idea of myself in my mind: self-less and romantic and considerate and hopeful and chivalrous, and maybe I was once, or maybe it was just wishful thinking, or some kind of arrogance. Seems lately my only goal is to be less of a prick — and I’m failing at it.

What is this broken-ness anyway? It isn’t as if anything substantial or devestating has happened to me particularly. As of late though, mind has been blown over processing the ideals of friendships and love and the ending or struggles of both. And forgiveness. And maybe Katrina’s right and I’m just really empathetic.

And as much as I am cynical, or how I rant of loss of faith in people and love, and my own fears of being able to cope in certain situations, and this constant sense of discouragement — Do I have a genuine hope that that isn’t always the case? That there exists an unconditional love even in human relationships, with one another?

I really do.

And I’m scared that that’ll either make me indescribably happy in the end or shatter me completely.

hope/less

January 16, 2012

Love. I believe in it less and less. Even good people in love do some messed up shit. And I’m pretty much scum, so yeah, bad situation.

yts

December 12, 2011

I’ll be honest. I’m not into her, but she’s fun, she’s funny, she’s adorably cute, she’s talented, she’s intelligent. Our tastes and interests are very different in a lot of ways, but similar in some. We have fun and even have meaningful conversations when we’re together, and I can tell that she enjoys it too. But even though she’s the one that calls/texts/tweets me, I can’t get over the feeling that she doesn’t want to. Actually enjoy time with me, I mean. Like she’d rather be with someone hipper, hotter, or, something-er. It makes me sad because even though it’s more noticeable with her,

I can’t help but feel that this is who I’ll be to everyone, forever.

unconventional crushes

November 22, 2011

1,880 miles apart and she’s highlighting most of these days/nights lately.

jellyfish

August 10, 2009

well, i wrote your name and burned it to see the color of the flame, and it burnt out the whole spectrum, as if you were everything. mine just burned gold, a normal flame. i am not anything. and all that i remember is the feeling of waking up. we were kids, i was the sun to which your eyes would not adjust. we were kids, you were a fountain; i could never drink enough. then came all the boys that swept you up, and played careless with your heart. and every night there was a new girl sitting beside me in my car. something dies when you grow older, but you do the best you can. i am glad, i am glad you found a good man.

http://www.odeo.com/flash/audio_player_standard_black.swf

music: local natives/cavil at rest, bon iver, eisley, the fray, kina grannis, wilco, fleet foxes, of montreal, broken social scene, death cab for cutie, explosions in the sky, she & him, passion pit, incubus, tilly and the wall, matt costa | film (trailers): 500 days of summer, away we go, where the wild things are; watch these movies with me | books: hp and the deathly hallows, the time traveler’s wife, dibs in search of self, the perks of being a wallflower, | other: pencil and small notebook sketches of actual people; might add it to my drawings blog, walks around the neighborhood, random polaroids, ipods, pebbles