social networking woes

July 20, 2014

All Facebook does is remind me that Kari-Anne’s baby is hella fucking cute. Self-loathing and loneliness calls for wine and Ferrero Rochers. But that’s also my reward for self-loving, so idk.

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text message break-ups

October 5, 2012

So I tried to cut off Katrina the other night through text, for various personal reasons. But I’m thinking she caught on and won’t let it happen. She’s now interested in just about every facet of my life. But I don’t want that. She wants to continue being friends, except now she’s going to omit certain things, and I think that’s worse than not talking at all. Maybe phasing out will work better than cutting off. Going with her to see Perks tonight in Brea though, we’ll see how that goes.

independence day blurb

July 6, 2012

Ok, best 4th of July ever. EVER.

Katrina Alaia, drive to Brea, closed favorite restaurants in Fullerton and Diamond Bar, Chickfila, Ontario Mills with Tita Cyn, plus Steph, Dan, Ron Tua, Barbecue, Vantage Point, driving through the streets of La Puente following the sights and sounds of fireworks and finding the biggest and most dangerous ones in the residentials (tha hood, haha), gangsta rap switched to KOST, 10pm ice cream trucks, dead battery ice cream trucks, jump starting an ice cream truck, getting free ice cream in return, and fireworks on the way back, all with amazing, amazing company. Good day, I didn’t even have to use my AK.

#angiebear

June 22, 2012

She makes me feel so angry and so hopeful and so courageous and so stupid all at once. It’s ridiculous how all I want is to be with her. She’s a snake. She’s horrible. She’s all I want, but she really isn’t. I wish she’d go away. This isn’t love, not even “like”, it’s infatuation, obsession. I do though. I want to love her. Hold her in my arms. Comfort her. Make her jealous. Make her as angry as she makes me. Give her soft kisses on the neck. Hold her hand. Make her laugh. Feel, touch, taste, fuck. Make her feel special. I want to hate her. Use her. Make fun of/compliment her mole/beauty mark. Keep her safe. Look into her beautiful eyes. I want to know her. Make her happy. Truly happy. Make her mine. These are all things she’ll never let me do. And maybe she’s what I deserve. But she sure as hell doesn’t deserve me. Or maybe she does/we do.

apologies and apologies

June 18, 2012

And apologies to those who know me and somehow find this blog. Tumblr, twitter, and facebook are no longer safehavens for what I truly want to say out loud (in a sense.) It may be an unhealthy outlet, but fuck, it helps for “the now.”

“Honestly, I’m rapping about everything I go through. Everything I’m sayin’, I’m super sayin’, like Goku.” -Childish Gambino.

Dedicated to Angela Ha. Little game-playing cunt. Kind of mean but Ha, her last name. More heart and ache to share coming soon.

You said I wasn’t capable of loving you, I never was
A 20-something nigga tourin’ the world w/ hella buzz
I’m saying that my life’s swell, Cortazone
Fuck Macaulay Culkin, never goin’ home alone
iPhone photos, show ‘em just to mock you
Read your Twitter messages, too proud to block you

Spread shit around: “You know that his glasses fake”
That’s why I’m dating girls now who asses ain’t
“Damn, Donald, why you gotta be so mean”
I’m a nice guy, that’s why you broke up with me
You probably in the club dancing to this right now
Play it cool, text me when you walk out

It’s just childish

– Rolling in the Deep (Childish Gambino remix)

the disney life

May 12, 2012

Sometimes I wish life was like a Disney film. Somewhat good-natured, filled with happiness and hope and adventure.

Or maybe it is; I’m just still at the confusing and challenging and distressing part of the movie. The part where the main character is in search of self, where his/her perspective is all wrong, where everything good is taken for granted. It’s assumed that eventually at some point, something life-changing will happen, a new important character will make an appearance, or something inspiring or motivating will come up, right? The situation might be painful, it might be encouraging and painless; But in the end, before the credits roll, we’re left knowing that every piece has fallen into place for the better. Characters usually fall in love or mend family relationships or develop life-long friendships or find, without a doubt, their purpose, who they truly are, and live happily ever after.

But how does this one end? With the way things have been going, I’m starting to think that I’m the villain in this story.

calvin the wise

May 10, 2012

It’s funny, but of all the books I’ve read and re-read as a kid (to the present even), Calvin and Hobbes has always been a staple of how I perceive friendship, love, my parents, school, nature, the universe, and even God, albeit subtly. More than just a comic strip, profound ideas and ideologies can be found within the humor. Did I mention that I have the ENTIRE collection? Ten years of collecting, but it is now complete.

We all want to be admired in some way or another. Sub-thoughts and points regarding the topic jumbled in my mind; selfishness, self-glorification, motives for doing certain things, self-worth, just a lot of self — even in selflessness. Art and intelligence and eloquence and blog entries and work and possessions and missions trips and ministries and hearts and halves. And have-nots. Sorry, this is impossible to follow, foggy in my head, even worse on paper/keyboards/computer monitors, but I (kind of and don’t) understand. Just a little more observant, a little too judgemental lately.

I honestly don’t remember a non-cynical me.

Endless talks with Katrina lately consisting of just about every type of relational situation and this is me coming to grips with the fact that I might not be cut out for ANY such situation, even the superficial and unmeaningful ones. And I’ve always had this idea of myself in my mind: self-less and romantic and considerate and hopeful and chivalrous, and maybe I was once, or maybe it was just wishful thinking, or some kind of arrogance. Seems lately my only goal is to be less of a prick — and I’m failing at it.

What is this broken-ness anyway? It isn’t as if anything substantial or devestating has happened to me particularly. As of late though, mind has been blown over processing the ideals of friendships and love and the ending or struggles of both. And forgiveness. And maybe Katrina’s right and I’m just really empathetic.

And as much as I am cynical, or how I rant of loss of faith in people and love, and my own fears of being able to cope in certain situations, and this constant sense of discouragement — Do I have a genuine hope that that isn’t always the case? That there exists an unconditional love even in human relationships, with one another?

I really do.

And I’m scared that that’ll either make me indescribably happy in the end or shatter me completely.

moments

March 20, 2012

These past few months consisting of sporadic periods of time each filled with indescribable happiness, a consistent sense of hopelessness in human relationships, incredible bitterness and anger, heart-crushing conviction, indifference, gut-wrenching honesty, guilt-less half-truths, endless and infinite confusion regarding every aspect of everything.

hope/less

January 16, 2012

Love. I believe in it less and less. Even good people in love do some messed up shit. And I’m pretty much scum, so yeah, bad situation.

sideways moving skyscrapers

December 16, 2011

Commutes to and from LA used to consist of newspapers and books, now they’re iPads and headphones.

Watching out the window and quietly basking in the view of the bright lights and raindrops flying away from me as this train passes. Music video-directing in my mind; listening to Michael Giacchino’s “There’s No Place Like Home” from the LOST soundtrack on repeat and becoming an emotional wreck and tearing up like a crazy person for some reason. I don’t know, I think

I should be happier than this.

yts

December 12, 2011

I’ll be honest. I’m not into her, but she’s fun, she’s funny, she’s adorably cute, she’s talented, she’s intelligent. Our tastes and interests are very different in a lot of ways, but similar in some. We have fun and even have meaningful conversations when we’re together, and I can tell that she enjoys it too. But even though she’s the one that calls/texts/tweets me, I can’t get over the feeling that she doesn’t want to. Actually enjoy time with me, I mean. Like she’d rather be with someone hipper, hotter, or, something-er. It makes me sad because even though it’s more noticeable with her,

I can’t help but feel that this is who I’ll be to everyone, forever.

thanksliving

November 24, 2011

And sometimes I feel like I should be passionate about certain things in life; like there are things I’m expected to feel passionate about. I don’t know how I feel about that. My head/heart hurts. I wrote so much more, but in the end I don’t think I was making sense, even to myself. I hope someone understands this. Tomorrow’s Thanksgiving. And I am genuinely thankful for all that I have; I’m content. In a sense. Anyway, be well, whoever reads this drivel.

growing up doesn’t necessarily mean absence of fun or sense of child-likeness, does it? God, i hope not. here’s to happiness and learning from our mistakes and accepting responsibilities. and realities. and possibilities. and impossibilities. and other words that end in -ilities.

and love.

dementors

September 10, 2009

must be in the vicinity today :(

hate love hate

September 8, 2009

love apparently isn’t for me. but does that necessarily mean no happy ending? i’d like to think not. but this is one instance where i wish i still had a best friend to turn to/confide in. i also wish i had a better entry written under “love” but it may never get past this point. buying faux sunshine off shelves. instructions: “just add water”. chemical rainbows and singing birds over the chaotic and disastrous streets in my head. confused, happy, and disappointed at the same time and having high hopes that maybe this is a temporary quarter-life crisis, but also trying to analyze wth is going on.

sinking feeling, shooting flares hoping you’ll notice and throwing compasses overboard hoping you’ll find me — i really hope you do because you make me smile when it’s hard to.

continually praying that He reveals Himself more to me and gives me wisdom to understand the situations He places me in, as well as comprehend that there is more to love than what i currently (don’t) know. that His love is all i need, to find overflowing contentment in that and to consider anything else as an added blessing. this entry might seem bi-polar. it isn’t. it is.

everything i want to say right now isn’t appropriate, and may never be heard.

jellyfish

August 10, 2009

well, i wrote your name and burned it to see the color of the flame, and it burnt out the whole spectrum, as if you were everything. mine just burned gold, a normal flame. i am not anything. and all that i remember is the feeling of waking up. we were kids, i was the sun to which your eyes would not adjust. we were kids, you were a fountain; i could never drink enough. then came all the boys that swept you up, and played careless with your heart. and every night there was a new girl sitting beside me in my car. something dies when you grow older, but you do the best you can. i am glad, i am glad you found a good man.

http://www.odeo.com/flash/audio_player_standard_black.swf