#angiebear

June 22, 2012

She makes me feel so angry and so hopeful and so courageous and so stupid all at once. It’s ridiculous how all I want is to be with her. She’s a snake. She’s horrible. She’s all I want, but she really isn’t. I wish she’d go away. This isn’t love, not even “like”, it’s infatuation, obsession. I do though. I want to love her. Hold her in my arms. Comfort her. Make her jealous. Make her as angry as she makes me. Give her soft kisses on the neck. Hold her hand. Make her laugh. Feel, touch, taste, fuck. Make her feel special. I want to hate her. Use her. Make fun of/compliment her mole/beauty mark. Keep her safe. Look into her beautiful eyes. I want to know her. Make her happy. Truly happy. Make her mine. These are all things she’ll never let me do. And maybe she’s what I deserve. But she sure as hell doesn’t deserve me. Or maybe she does/we do.

I was reading a few blogs on Blogger and WordPress earlier, and it’s amazing how many people still write for themselves — not for comments or reblogs or “likes” — about their lives, their experiences, all in explicit detail. Long, intelligent, beautiful passages. Imagine that!

After being on Tumblr for so long, you forget that there are more substancial topics to write and read about. You forget that you yourself were capable of writing about such things. Our dashboards are filled with reblogged beautiful photos and art and quotes and excerpts from books but most times, they’re just things we like, not objects that will recall memories of certain situations and experiences in life. Emphasis on the word “most” before some of you crucify me, because who am I to say what you might be able to recall or not recall, because honestly, one song lyric could mean the world at times.

I also feel that many on Tumblr cater to their followers and friends, making sure they’re percieved a certain way. I’ve been guilty of the same “crime”, in a sense, picking and choosing my words, my photos, omitting certain insights or opinions to avoid judgement or gain more “likes” or reblogs. But it’s difficult; we actually DO have to censor ourselves because we know exactly who’s following and reading our posts, as well as how each might react. It’s such a far jump from how I used to blog, when it was all strangers reading each others heartaches, venting sessions, or joyful moments. I wore my heart on my sleeve then, without fear, although I don’t really know which is better, bottling certain things up, or letting it all out.

This isn’t a post to impose some kind of condescension upon Tumblr members, but to convey an appreciation for those who genuinely write from the heart, without a longing for affirmation from either friends or strangers. I’ve also hoped that might be an inspiration to those who have only known Tumblr, to explore, read, learn, write, and appreciate beyond what they know Tumblr to be, because there are some incredible text-based blogs, not just on Blogger or WordPress, but even on Tumblr as well. They’re just hard to find, and even when we do stumble across one, we aren’t inclined to click the “follow” button.

Image

And this is one of them.
Photo Credit: Matthew Romasanta for http://www.explodingbuffalo.com/

apologies and apologies

June 18, 2012

And apologies to those who know me and somehow find this blog. Tumblr, twitter, and facebook are no longer safehavens for what I truly want to say out loud (in a sense.) It may be an unhealthy outlet, but fuck, it helps for “the now.”

“Honestly, I’m rapping about everything I go through. Everything I’m sayin’, I’m super sayin’, like Goku.” -Childish Gambino.

Thrice farewell show at Club Nokia, LA.  Allen Stone at the Observatory, OC. Dashboard Confessional at House of Blues Anaheim. Childish Gambino at the Palladium, LA.

Dedicated to Angela Ha. Little game-playing cunt. Kind of mean but Ha, her last name. More heart and ache to share coming soon.

You said I wasn’t capable of loving you, I never was
A 20-something nigga tourin’ the world w/ hella buzz
I’m saying that my life’s swell, Cortazone
Fuck Macaulay Culkin, never goin’ home alone
iPhone photos, show ‘em just to mock you
Read your Twitter messages, too proud to block you

Spread shit around: “You know that his glasses fake”
That’s why I’m dating girls now who asses ain’t
“Damn, Donald, why you gotta be so mean”
I’m a nice guy, that’s why you broke up with me
You probably in the club dancing to this right now
Play it cool, text me when you walk out

It’s just childish

– Rolling in the Deep (Childish Gambino remix)

Well technically, one book, one magazine, and one comic. Haha.

Current reads:

  • On page 103 of Haruki Murakami’s 1Q84
  • the main article about Solar Storms in the June issue of National Geographic
  • & The Incredible Hulk #92 (Part 1 of the Planet Hulk Saga).

#nookreader #<3

AimeePhotoShootEdited 122

Model: Aimee
More photos from this set HERE.

the disney life

May 12, 2012

Sometimes I wish life was like a Disney film. Somewhat good-natured, filled with happiness and hope and adventure.

Or maybe it is; I’m just still at the confusing and challenging and distressing part of the movie. The part where the main character is in search of self, where his/her perspective is all wrong, where everything good is taken for granted. It’s assumed that eventually at some point, something life-changing will happen, a new important character will make an appearance, or something inspiring or motivating will come up, right? The situation might be painful, it might be encouraging and painless; But in the end, before the credits roll, we’re left knowing that every piece has fallen into place for the better. Characters usually fall in love or mend family relationships or develop life-long friendships or find, without a doubt, their purpose, who they truly are, and live happily ever after.

But how does this one end? With the way things have been going, I’m starting to think that I’m the villain in this story.

calvin the wise

May 10, 2012

It’s funny, but of all the books I’ve read and re-read as a kid (to the present even), Calvin and Hobbes has always been a staple of how I perceive friendship, love, my parents, school, nature, the universe, and even God, albeit subtly. More than just a comic strip, profound ideas and ideologies can be found within the humor. Did I mention that I have the ENTIRE collection? Ten years of collecting, but it is now complete.

We all want to be admired in some way or another. Sub-thoughts and points regarding the topic jumbled in my mind; selfishness, self-glorification, motives for doing certain things, self-worth, just a lot of self — even in selflessness. Art and intelligence and eloquence and blog entries and work and possessions and missions trips and ministries and hearts and halves. And have-nots. Sorry, this is impossible to follow, foggy in my head, even worse on paper/keyboards/computer monitors, but I (kind of and don’t) understand. Just a little more observant, a little too judgemental lately.

I honestly don’t remember a non-cynical me.

Endless talks with Katrina lately consisting of just about every type of relational situation and this is me coming to grips with the fact that I might not be cut out for ANY such situation, even the superficial and unmeaningful ones. And I’ve always had this idea of myself in my mind: self-less and romantic and considerate and hopeful and chivalrous, and maybe I was once, or maybe it was just wishful thinking, or some kind of arrogance. Seems lately my only goal is to be less of a prick — and I’m failing at it.

What is this broken-ness anyway? It isn’t as if anything substantial or devestating has happened to me particularly. As of late though, mind has been blown over processing the ideals of friendships and love and the ending or struggles of both. And forgiveness. And maybe Katrina’s right and I’m just really empathetic.

And as much as I am cynical, or how I rant of loss of faith in people and love, and my own fears of being able to cope in certain situations, and this constant sense of discouragement — Do I have a genuine hope that that isn’t always the case? That there exists an unconditional love even in human relationships, with one another?

I really do.

And I’m scared that that’ll either make me indescribably happy in the end or shatter me completely.

moments

March 20, 2012

These past few months consisting of sporadic periods of time each filled with indescribable happiness, a consistent sense of hopelessness in human relationships, incredible bitterness and anger, heart-crushing conviction, indifference, gut-wrenching honesty, guilt-less half-truths, endless and infinite confusion regarding every aspect of everything.

hope/less

January 16, 2012

Love. I believe in it less and less. Even good people in love do some messed up shit. And I’m pretty much scum, so yeah, bad situation.

christmas eve festivities

December 25, 2011

Adrian, Mike, Led, Sarah, K, Henry, Dan, Pastor Kris, AJ, Liz, Kevin. And I’m not a huge fan of big groups, but when partnered with tri-tip roast & avocado tortas and 12 hours of The Lord of the Rings Extended Special Editions in glorious Blu-ray, I’m much more inclined to make an exception.

Christmas Eve with the Tuasons until having to get to my family party was an added bonus.

Family party confessional at the “kids” table;

Cousin: “… So he was pissed that I had slept with his fiancé…”
Me: “Okay, well, I’m going to get some more prime rib but feel free to finish this story without me, haha.” *Leaves table, and comes back two minutes later…
Everyone At Table: “Hendrix, you missed the best part! Listen to the end of the story!”
Me: “Fine, fine. Go on.”
Cousin: “Where was I?”
Me: “You were at the part where you slept with the guy’s fiancé or something.” *At this point, I was looking down and cutting my food.
Cousin: “You slept with WHO? How could you??” *While looking/blaming my little cousin. I was very confused. Everyone breaks into laughter.

Apparently my Aunt walked in just as I said, “You were at the part where you slept with the guy’s fiancé or something.” She heard what I said, paused and walked away and I never even saw.

Merry Christmas, all.

sideways moving skyscrapers

December 16, 2011

Commutes to and from LA used to consist of newspapers and books, now they’re iPads and headphones.

Watching out the window and quietly basking in the view of the bright lights and raindrops flying away from me as this train passes. Music video-directing in my mind; listening to Michael Giacchino’s “There’s No Place Like Home” from the LOST soundtrack on repeat and becoming an emotional wreck and tearing up like a crazy person for some reason. I don’t know, I think

I should be happier than this.

yts

December 12, 2011

I’ll be honest. I’m not into her, but she’s fun, she’s funny, she’s adorably cute, she’s talented, she’s intelligent. Our tastes and interests are very different in a lot of ways, but similar in some. We have fun and even have meaningful conversations when we’re together, and I can tell that she enjoys it too. But even though she’s the one that calls/texts/tweets me, I can’t get over the feeling that she doesn’t want to. Actually enjoy time with me, I mean. Like she’d rather be with someone hipper, hotter, or, something-er. It makes me sad because even though it’s more noticeable with her,

I can’t help but feel that this is who I’ll be to everyone, forever.

revenge of the nerds

November 29, 2011

On Nov 29, 2011, at 10:11 AM, Mike Tecson wrote:

Hi Guys,
Is there a friday night on December 23? If not, are you guys down for having our marathon that day? If yes, can you please cancel it? haha!!!!

Schedule:

3pm – 6pm: Fellowship of the Ring
6pm – 8pm: Led and Hendrix arrive, we have dinner
8pm – 11pm: The Two Towers
11pm – 11:30pm: Coffee & Break
11:30pm – 2:30am: The Return of the KingWhat do you guys think?!!

I’m sooo excited!

On Nov 29, 2011 at 10:40 AM, Kristopher Saliba wrote:

There’s no Friday night. It’s been cancelled in favor of the fight for Middle Earth.

01. A large map of Lord of the Rings’ Middle Earth for my wall.
02. iTunes gift card so I can buy the Ouran High School Host Club series.
03. A rice cooker for the apartment.
04. Almost anything from the Photojojo.com store. Esp the gift card.
05. Starbucks cards/mugs/food.
06. Anything with polar bears or jellyfish.
07. Personalized anything.
08. A trip to New Orleans.